Browse Professor Quotes

 "Let's imagine that this piece of chalk were a cigarette, and I sort of wish it were."

—Martin Andrucki, An Introduction to Drama, describing theater that is self-consciously artificial

 I guess Hemingway thought that "The Snows of Kilimanjaro" might go over better than "Tales of an Asshole."

—Steven Dillon, American Writers since 1900

" As you know, some presidents don't read books."

—Steven Dillon, American Writers since 1900

When a big-S egg meets a big-S sperm -- (pause) -- I just want to clarify that I am saying 'S'... not something else...

—Prof. Ronald Barry, explaining heterozygote superiority in Bio 158

Any last requests?

—Prof. Ryan Bavis, before handing out the Animal Physiology final exam

Sorry, he can't talk to you right now, he's having a two-way

—Prof. Sue Langdon,in response to a student's cell phone ringing while the class is discussing 2-way ANOVAs
Big F*cking Deal! - Dennis Grafflin, History s40
—Talking about professors' reactions when students say they made a mistake by plagarising in their paper.
You wanna know what really frosts my ass?
—Prof. George Perkins, Econ 103
You wanna know what really frosts my ass?
—Prof. George Perkins, Econ 103
Again, these people in the 19th century getting naked outside...I'm not sure why.
—Professor Harwood, Modern European Art
Don't bust a nut trying to remember...wow, that is not what I meant to say
—Professor Hughes Economics 260: Intermediate Microeconomics
You can't be a happy Viking, watching Saturday morning cartoons, because you've got Christian missionaries coming and knocking on your door asking if you have franks and beans.
—Professor Jones, Vikings
Isn't that cool? He's a little shit-tracking rebel
—Professor Steven Dillon, English 152
[student sneezes]
prof: Bless you, bless us all- including the basketball teams
—professor Steven Dillon, ENG 152
Would you have sex with a monkey?... I would.
—Professor Duina
Ah, the illusion- it's not a show off-y thing, it's not just something that makes English professors busy, either.
—Professor Steven Dillon, English 152
Student: That was personification, right?
Prof: Well, actually that'd be catifiation.
Student: Oh, okay.
Prof: Yes, catification- giving something catlike qualities.
—Professor Steven Dillon, english 152
[Talking about time's role in poems] Pay attention to short amounts of time, like a few minutes, and long amounts of time, like this class.
—Professor Steven Dillon, English 152
So you have to imagine Zeus with an erection the size of a telephone pole.
—Professor John Cole on Zeus about to have intercourse with Hera.
[Drawing atoms as circles] So, of course atoms aren't atoms unless you shade your balls...so make sure you shade your _spheres_...
—Prof. Matt Cote, Statistical Thermodynamics (Chem 302)
Did anyone see anything sexual?...Well, I mean, it's gotta be in there, it's the 20th century.
—Prof. Steven Dillon, English 152 when talking about a Frost poem
Wham, bam, thank you mam, go to sleep.
—Professor John Cole on Zeus' sex habits.
I don't want to get too far into squirrel consciousness.
—Professor Elizabeth Tobin, guiding a discussion on class consciousness
Prof. Soifer- Where is everyone today?
Student- It's a Friday today, they probably aren't coming.
Prof Soifer- Yea but it's a friday every week. That's how friday's work
—Prof. Soifer, Politics of Latin America, on the small class one friday
I'm interested but I'm not going to hurt you...that's my standard pick up line.
—Professor Boucher, talking about how arching your eyebrows apparently meaning you're a viable mate.
You try mating with a menopausal woman and you're not going to get very far
—Professor Boucher, on the perks of finding your perfect mate.
I'm Fine, my car is fine, the Dunkin Donuts parking lot is not.
—Prof. Hillel Soifer, Politics 249, explaining his trip into work one morning
Did I tell you I gave my cat a full Viking burial?
—Professor Michael Jones, Anglo-Saxon England Seminar
I want a god that isn't lame, but that's just me.
—Professor Swan Tuite Philosophy of Religion - PL/RE 260
You all look tired. You're supposed to sleep over break! You're all going to be fat!
—Professor Low, Research Methods, as she's concluding class.
The one good thing about McDonalds is that you can always find a McToilet.
—Professor Craig Decker explaining to his FSA Austria students what he loves best about McDonalds restaraunts in foreign countries.
For the next 3 hours, Charles De Gaulle is your oyster.

—Professor Craig Decker telling his FSA Austria students what they could do during a layover in Paris on the way to Vienna.
For the first time in my life this morning I used Wikipedia. I'm coming of age.
—John Cole, History 223, "The French Enlightenment"
Where would twentieth-century playwrights be if they couldn't use the word f*ck.
—Prof. Andrucki, Intro. to Drama
Childbirth is an extreme sport!
—Professor Steven Kemper, Anthropology, pretty much self explanatory....
Damn, i'd be a good terrorist

—Professor Cummisky, after giving us an exhortation on what would be the best way to destabalize the American Government.
I watched that Elizabeth the first movie this weekend and a guy got his head chopped off at the end...Elizabeth, what a lady.
—Prof Michael Danahey, Chem 107A
Okay someone put me on the Daily Jolt today and the quote was kind of lame...If you're gonna put me on the Jolt it has to at least be a good one...like how I stole condoms from the dorms last year, THAT one you can use.
—Professor Helen Boucher, reacting to our documentation of her amazing quotes
sarcastically... Men in power are considered leaders, and women in power are considered bitches
—Proessor Kemper, Social Anthropology 101
It has something to do with the words balls and bond strength. Sounds like a quote on the Daily Jolt.
—Professor Kovaich, Organic Chemistry, not wanting to go further with a point about bond strength
When Peter the Great went to England, he and his friends pretty much behaved like the Duke lacrosse team on a night out.
—Dr. Robert Williams, explaining Peter the Great in Russian 221
I am an eyewitness rowing at Salamis. I have no FUCKING idea what's happening!
—John Cole, Great Wars of Greek Antiquity
In the same way that God is the greatest good that can be imagined, so is the Greg Waters Band the greatest good that can be imagined.
—Professor James Swan Tuite, demonstrating the epistemological aspect of God while picking on two present bandmembers.
Sober sex is better than sloppy, drunken sex.
—Professor Low, Psych 235: Abnormal Psychology
(In a fake Russian accent) Now ve DANCE!
—Professor Jennifer Koviach, Organic Chemistry, before describing different types of bond vibrations.
I may be missing something, but I've never really associated bong hits and Jesus. But, as I said, I may be missing something.
—Prof. Ryan, Politics 228, Consitutional Freedoms.
...And we all know that senior citizens don't boink. I mean, they aren't sexually active and reproducing. I don't know why I said that... it just came out.
—Professor Francesco Duina, Intro to Macrosociology, talking about how population aging can lead to lower fertility rates
Yes, researchers don't normally ever go around interviewing dead people. It just doesn't help much.
—Professor Sylvester, Criminology, on explaining how it's not "normal" to interview dead people...was it ever?
We're gonna do a little acid this morning
—Professor Austin, Chem 107A
Rally, John, rally!!
—Prof. Cole, telling us what his party hard ex-girlfriend used to say to him at night
Carry on with the executions, the white master has arrived!
—David Cummiskey, Philosophy 324, Consequentialism and its Critics. Talking about the absurd non-PC-ness of an example provided by Williams.
One of these days I know its just going to pop up saying 'Helen Boucher your new shipment of porn is ready
—Helen Boucher, explaining a Yahoo pop-up that appeared during her lecture
And now it's time for the poli-sci final...or as some of you like to call it, your pizzle sizzle fi-nizzle.
—Professor John Baughman, handing out the final.
If you ever get a chance, always make up your own data.
—Professor Schwinn, Econometrics, teaching integrity as always.
'I love those marshmallow treats in Commons. I'm so sexually frustrated!' You can't get that on a 1 to 10 scale.
—Professor Langdon, describing the benefits of qualitative data
So then I can burn down the rainforest and slaughter all the pandas and still be an environmentalist.
—Pete Rogers: Environment and Society
What is social learning? Does it mean I bring a keg to class and we get loaded? And in an ecological context it means we go outside and do it.
—Prof. Rogers, stating what we really want during reading week.
What if I took my pants off?
—Prof. Andrucki, impressing the first-years at the Theater Department Open House
In China...you get government control, which may sound rather Communist to some people...
—Student in International Politics, describing China, which coincidentally is Communist
If you put Robin Williams in a pig sty, he would drive the pigs insane.
—Prof. Marty Andrucki, discussing demon possession and purgation in Intro to Drama
End of the year papers are like death... always postponing it as long as you can, but is inevitable. Have fun writing your papers.
—Professor Tracy, Philosophy of Religion
You see, I had a cream-doughnut problem once...It was a long time ago, in Indonesia...
—John Baughman, talking about something that had nothing to do with what he was talking about not one minute before.
Set really low standards, then you'll be pleased with any little thing you do: 'Damn! I didn't flunk another course!'
—Prof. David Cummiskey: giving advice on the proper method of pursuing perfection
I always wanted to be a cheerleader
—Prof Cummiskey, explaining his classroom histrionics
What are those 900-dollar shoes Madonna wears and owns ten pairs of? It starts with an 'M something'...What, you don't know? You're all bloody socialists!!!
—Professor Turlish, Writers Since 1900
If you want to sound smart, you're suppose to say I got lain, not laid!
—Prof Turlish, on the essence of standard English.
It looks like he has a G-string on.
—Professor Bruce Bourque, describing an ancient Olmec wrestling figurine's attire.
This is knowledge with a capital N. Wait, I mean K!
—Prof. Costlow, showing us the beauty of poetry, and apparently the English language as well
Would you like a poster in your room with a pile of shit on it that says 'Save the dung beetle!'?
—Professor Tracy trying to explain our indifference toward saving the lives of dung beetles
Look at cows and horses. They're just slightly smarter than tulips.
—Prof. Bruce Bourque discussing the importance of nutrition on the brain.
Knowing that 360 parts per million is the carbon dioxide concentration in the atmosphere is more important than knowing who the president is.
—Prof Rachel Austin, explaining the important things in life
Now the explorers, they ate the mammoth with RELISH! And by relish I don't mean chopped up pickles!
—Prof. Eli Minkoff, Mr. Paleontology himself...
20 years in jail deters me . . . that's why I haven't been killing people.
—Professor Cummiskey, Philosophy of Law, talking about deterence theory of punishment
The point is, it was emotionally shallow nonsense.
—Professor Martin Andrucki, lecturing on melodramas.
Binding a woman's feet in Chinese culture is the same thing that women in our society do to their feet with high heels. Now, I'm not saying they're the same because high heels do wonderful things for women...
—Professor Steve Kemper, Social Anthropology 101
You shovel shit for an hour, well then you shovel shit for an hour.
—Professor Kemper, Social Anthro 101, making somewhat of an analogy between utilizing the entire 2 hour period for the exam to shoveling shit. Who knows.
Take a hypothetical situation: Imagine that you are calling ticketmaster to buy tickets for the Justin Timberlake concert at the Cumberland Civic Center. In other words, imagine that you have no soul.
—Professor Sargent, Social Psychology, giving an example of a possible test question
Imagine having a diaper rash all over the place... this [diaper rash] may be a problem here, but in the rest of the world, it is common for children to run around naked
—Eli Minkoff, lecturing on reptiles in paleontology.... riiiiight.
What we are doing over the next 15 minutes is logistical stuff so that we can finally be done with it and start happy hour already.
—Professor Stacy Smith, Education s25, Democratic Dialogue
I mean, here we have Zeus, with an erection from here to the blackboard!
—Professor John Cole on Zeus's impact on the Iliad... 'nuff said.
As many of you know, there can be relations between people...[laughter]...I mean, there can also be relations between people and inanimate objects too...(realizing what she said)...no, I mean!...
—Professor Jayawant, MATH s21: Introduction to Abstraction
So as you can see-- [cuts index finger on pneumatic track. begins to bleed] Ouch. Oh, my. [stares at finger. class looks up from notes, begins to follow suit] Yes. So... [hand shaking, raises finger to lips. Begins to lap up blood from his finger in the silent room. students look on in horror] So the cart's force vector must be turned against the upwards-facing one of the track...
—Professor Eric Wollman, Physics 107
So how do you disenfranchise this now?
—Professor Carnegie, asking a student how to turn off his cell phone, AN s28: Cultural Production and Social Context, Jamaica
Little Red Riding Hood was a slut.
—Professor Lillian Nayder, ED/EN S28, Children's Writing Workshop
Don't know how much experience you guys have had with kinky sex...
—Professor Denis Sweet, German S22: Kafka; Talking about the machine in "The Penal Colony."
Little Red Riding Hood was a slut!
—Professor Lillian Nayder, ED/EN ST28: Children's Writing Workshop
There is no being slightly unique or rather unique. There is only unique. It's like pregnant.
—Professor Eric Towne, Math S21: Introduction to Abstraction (Math Camp)
Every once in a while you get one of those people floating around, smiling, overdosing.
—Professor Sylvester Sawyer, S27: Studies in Crime Prevention, warning his class to be on the lookout for murderous nursing home staffers.
It is a quaint theory where the prisoner works while in prison and the money goes to the victim. It comes from Vermont, so naturally I'm a little suspicious.
—Professor Sylvester Sawyer, S27: Studies in Crime Prevention
In this painting it seems as though you're standing under naked little boys. And as I'm sure we all know, that is not a spot you want to be in.
—Rebecca Corrie, S18: Leonardo and His Heirs: High Renaissance and Mannerism
I have no experience in education
—Prof Lillian Nayder, Children's Writing Workshop Short Term
Is there anyone else here that hates babies? All right, there's a brave soul.
—Professor Allison, History of Christian Thought, after someone agreed with how Augustine hated babies
Just keep going until you get off, because once you get off, then everyone will get off too
—Professor Gina Fatone, Music Cultures of the World, referring to how students should continue playing a rhythm on their instruments until they go off beat.
I had a dream last night in which Brittany Spears was on fire.
—Professor Lawson, Chem 321: Biochem 2
“Nice, good old X rated movie? Like porn? Yeah! But Sex and the City, where it’s just implied, that should be illegal. Total hypocrisy.”
—Francesco Duina, Globalization
Recall diagonalization. No, its not just a ridiculously long word.
—Caleb Shor, Math 205
My dad has also never smoked pot. He is like 72 now, and we have these great plans to smoke pot together.”
—Francesco Duina, Globalization
I hate chalk. I love whiteboards. I need the smell of fumes.
—Karen Melvin, City in Latin America
It's unlimited, kind of like that new store in the Auburn Mall, what's it called? Oh yeah, Hats Unlimited... but that only has like 4 hats or something. Ok, bad example.
—Professor Kessler, POLS 227 Judicial Power and Economic Policy
Ok are we ready? LET'S GO ROCK THIS JOINT!!!!!!!!!!!
—Professor Rogers, ES/PS 218, on the way out the door heading on a field trip

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